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| Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up my life. But I'd rather find my moon...someone who can shine on me during my darkest hours.
heh good quote my friend had | | |
| this weekend would have been wonderful. but it's far from that. my professor asked me to talk to a girl and perhaps hang out with her to help her decide to come here. so i called her up and said she could come this weekend. i really wanted to go home this weekend, but you can probably guess that i didn't get to. i don't think ive been more pathetic that i have been today. ive cried just about every minute of it..just ever so silently with tears running down my cheeks, and they are ever so sore. i rathered her come next weekend but holly said she was going home. of course the girl didnt leave till 5 pm and it was too late for me to go home today. all i wanted this whole shitty ass week was to go home. i wanted to see mike, cuz i mean i guess its not htat bad here but shit sucks. i wanna see my bf, but its really gotta be that hard. i have so much hw that i kno no matter how hard i try on it and the hours i put in doing it, i will do so poorly on it. this week has sucked. not jsut this week these past 2 or 3 weeks have sucked. i just want to get away and be with mike. yea and best thing is i got my wonderful friend today if u kno wut i mean. so of course im not hormonally stable and this just bothers me more. u can say im a very lucky girl. i found myself a boyfriend and my parents are loving. but of course both are so far awat from me. i have good friends but not here. these here just bother me. i like them a lot but they bother me a lot too. theres no one here like there is at home. there probably may never be. personalities are different and it makes me feel too faced with friends like these. i mean my roomates i love but one has a fuckin annoying habit of waking me and the other can be hypocritical and dramatic. anyhow i keep trying to tell myself its no big deal and things will be done. but frankly i have nothing good to look forward to b/c i have no motivation for any of this. i dont care if i finish college. i dont wanna be a doctor b/c i kno i wont have a fun life and wont have a close family. my family never has been anyhow so y should it change. i try to not cry and every1s been and ive been good rather lately but im finally breaking down. holly said we were goign toa club tonite but of course she doesnt want to go anymore so this nite will again be boring. i just want something to be taken off my mind. i feel so bad. mikes day went shitty and he said he wanted to try to come up 2nite but he couldnt and i wished so hard that he did but i didnt want him to go thru it all and its not worth it anyway. i wanna go home. i wanna be away. i dont actually wanna go home. i just want to be in that place that feels good and right and home rite now is in mikes arms. he thought i was going to break up with him the other day b/c i started to say i wanted to have a casual relationship b/c i thought i was too much for his work. b/c he hadnt called me. well he had i probaly got to talk to him every other day for 2 minutes. these convso consisted of hi wuts up alrite i have to go bye. so after i said that and we told each other we actually loved each other hes been calling but i feel bad like im guilting him. anyhow since then ive jut want to see him so much. btw im not doing the best in school and i mite be getting introuble for the alcohol incident in my room but i wasnt even drinking and i was sleeping during it. but i have nothing to look forward to rite now. cuz i hate school i hate work i just dont care about it. i feel like those kids in middle school that need extra help cuz no matter wut i do i cant get it rite. and the lack of motivation and add makes me not care and i m sick of fighting and tryign to do school like ive done my past 12 or so years of school. frankly i kinda dont mind dying b/c i dont care much about anything to come in my life. i care about people in my life to a point but id rather just give everything up. things with mike and i are good but hey if im dead im not gonna miss it. oh yea and im broke rite now. i hate that feeling and my parents wont let me work and i dont want to ask them for money. they said thats wut i should do but i dont want to. i mean i have a credit card and they will pay for the bill but i dont want that. i dont want to rely on them as i do so much already now cuz i dotn deserve wut they give me. and wuts suckier is u can say well u have the summer to look forward to, but im going thru summer school the entire fuckin semseter and i still needa find sum internship or job to do in the summer. i hate this all. also mike worksi n the summer... so he will be dead each nite and not going to want to see me and i have a feeling if i see him every day or so i will be sick of him. o god rite now i have this sickening feeling. so he loves me so i love him. ive loved so many in the past and this feeling makes me realize that it will be the same like the past. i could just die rite now. but i couldnt do it. not strength or not weakness or maybe no motivation. i lack so much motivation all i will do is sit here and rot. i dont wnna clean my room. id rather not eat. i rather sit here cry and rot myself away. i wish i went home today. i think i only cried like this when i was little and mommy would leave for work or when i waas rejected from allied or when grandpa died or when jenny left. i wanna see mike. its my choice. hes home. holly has brian here and laura with sean. i kno its better for me to have more heart ache and miss him than to have my bf be a guy from school cuz id get so sick of him here. but i just wnana see him. i wanna go home. holly didnt want me to and she got her wish so she wouldnt be alone with laura this weekend cux brians not here and nor is jesss but fuck shes haning out with allie. i should have gone with wut i wanted and not tried to put in consideration of others cuz it always hurts me the most. like that ime i drove that kid home, and i didnt get to see mike that long. its stupid for me i kno, cuz u can say oh ull get to see him later but fuck the less hours i get the lesss happy i am and the worse i do wen i return to school b/ci always miss him and realizing that i coulda been with him just a few moments more angers me and i just grow colder and less motivated for anyhting cux all the shit sucks. i wish mike came or i went home. basically hes like my get awa from all this shit that sucks cuz i guess hes the only one who can give me the sense of love and devotion. friends can show love but friends honestly do come and go and arent obligated for u. they can help consol u if they wish and thats up to them. it hurts eevery time i blink cuz my eyes are so sore. ithink the skin is bleeding. i wanna see mike. the fact of missing somethign in life... and ull never get that back makes me most upset i guess... i suppose i can look at it like well i coulda died on my way home or if he came here he coulda died so this is better off but its hard not to change the way my mind is now probaly cuz my hormones aer fuckin me up but still. god dammit i wish i was with mike rite now. i never cared or go that bored if i sat in his office while he did work. the fact that i was in his presence made the time worth every second of it. im gonna go check on my eyes. goodbye. | | |
| you know what else really scares me now? besides not succeeding in college and losing my scholarships and seat in my premed program.... my grandma. no she doesn't scare me persay, but i'm scared that she will die soon. i think i've had this fear for a decade. everyone always made it like she was so old. yes she is. she's headed to 90 right now, but like when she was late 60's or 70's i feared as much. her mental status has really dimished and i feel so bad. usually she would annoy me or i'd hate her b/c i live with her. now that i don't and dont have to deal with her crap, it makes me more sad. i miss her a lot. yea when she was mentally able, she was a real asshole and crap. she gives my dad so many problems, b/c she lives with us. now its so hard for my dad to see that shes really not mentally all there anymore. yet he still yells at he for things, but this time she doesn't do it spitefully on purpose. i guess its like boy who cried wolf. she had bee na hypocrit about many things and made my dads and gpa's life hell for the most part. now gpa is gone. got its was so sad those last years of gpa's life. he didn't remember anyone or would revert back to when he was young. it was sad seeing him not able to move much, bedridden in the nursing home that reaked of urine and feces. i hated going there and worst off, that nite we went and he died. i dont want this to happen to grandma. no she can;t go to a nursing home and i don't think my parents plan on sending her there. they only sent grandpa to one b/c he need a lot of attention for his medical needs and with daily living and my parents could not take care of him b/c they work all day long and it was stressful. it was even more stressful upon my gma's behalf b/c it was left to her to do most of the work and i was so much littler at the time and they wouldn't let me help out much. yea grandma ended up getting stressed to physical illness that hse had to be hospitalized for a litttle bit, so my parents had no choice. i'm just scared to get a phone call from my dad crying saying grandma has passed away. i'm more scared that they will not tell me until after they bury her b/c they dont want me to be bothered b/c school and education is such a high priotity to my family. no i don't think they would go that far. i'd have to go to her funeral. i was her favorite grandchild. and i love my grandma, no matter what. i'm just so scared to get that call and have to leave school for it. itll also be weird if she dies at home. idk it will feel strange and of course i would miss her. it is inevitable though. i've went to 3 funerals in my life. my first was when i was 3 or 4 for my great grandmother, when i was idk maybe 8 or 9 for my uncle, and 11 or 12 for my grandpa. sigh... god please me kind to her. thank you | | |
| ugh im still sick..... stupid cold... sleep sucked too, but i took a long nap today. then went swimming with tim and yoohoo, idk how much that helped lol. i miss mike. wow i feel so inadequate in school right now. i need to shape up and do well. i've been thinking about it for a while: i have a feeling mike is going to be the one to break my heart and dump me or force me to have to dump him. if i'm lucky ill actually be in a relationship with him for a long time, but i have this fear that either him or i will fuck it up and cheat or he will eventually get bored of me and leave me or his pharms will get inbetween. yea i've been the one to dump most of my bfs, that or i never let it hurt too much. sure all the break ups have hurt, but i think it hurt the guys more. ususally i dont let it get to the point to hurt me, especially since i've found or realized that the guys jsut weren't the right one. then again, that's what dating is about. you discover yourself while you discover other people and find what you really want. im always afraid of infatuation. i become infatuated with people and then get relaly bored of them afterwards. you know, i want to tell him i love him like i did with all my other bfs. idk if i ever really loved them. well actually, i'm sure i did, but just not in that true way. i mean face it, you love just about any decent relationship you have with anyone. its so habitual for me to say i love you to my friends, but it gets to the point where it loses its meaning i suppose, but i do really love them. i always miss them when im not around them. | | |
| note to self: (haha noboby else needs to read this.. its just me being CHEESY) so i just got back from spring break and again i wanna go nowhere else but home. i miss mike. its funny, we both agreed that its probably the fact that we dont see each other every day is why we both still like each other so much, rather than get bored of each other. i got to hang out with mike just about everyday of break. i even spent the entire easter with him. that was so awesome. yea i miss him like always. and i have a lil secret to tell.... one nite, when i was in his arms, he just looked at me w/o saying anything for like a minute, of course i was paranoid and was like WHAT???!?!?!? (do i have a snot dripping or sumthing?!?!? lol) and hes like nothing, i just think i might be falling for you... teeheee.... made me so happy. and then last nite over aim, he mentioned that i said luv ya at the end of one of my phone convos, and i vaguely recall debating whether or not i said it cuz lotta times i know i almost do outa habit with all my phone calls with my close friends, face it, i love em.. besides.... i only talk to mommy, daddy, my roomies, or kelly maybe as frequent as mike. teeheee my roomates are sleep talking and snoring right now!!! i think im such a sucker... i cant erase the messages mike leaves on my cell.. alrite well i have cuz hes left a good 60, 70 of them and i had to... but yea... i always a have a good 10 or 20 that i cant erase cuz hes so adorable.. theyre the type of messages that every time you hear it, no matter how bad the day is, you just melt away in a smile. saying i love you was never a big thing with any of my xbfs... i mean sure it was... but it was so much more platonic than anything haha... gosh i went for a bike ride with tim yesterday in baltimore... it was gorgoeus out! this area is so beautiful compared to any of the natural surrouninds in nj on a sunny afternoon.. yea random blurbage... shit gotta still do my wrt hw.. ok bye now | | |
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